Alright, I'll come out the gates and say that this is pretty hacky. It's going to seem ridiculous, but I promise it's worked for me. I'm still not convinced that the 5v fan pinout on the PCB actually has any function to it, so I found another method of powering the fan. All of the images are way too big for the forum, so I made a PDF attached to this post. If I'm told it's alright to post a lot of big images, then I'll go ahead and put that here, but until then the PDF should suffice.
SATA connector that's provided in the packaging
30mm 5v fan, two pins(Not a three pin PWM fan; I used a fan intended for a raspberry pi.)
breadboard jumper cables(I found a pack on amazon that had male to male, male to female, and female to female types included. All you need are the male jumpers.)
wire strippers(Or just a pocketknife...)
soldering iron & solder
screws and nuts for the fan(Should be included in whatever you purchase.)
tiny ass screwdriver
heatshrink wraps
I'm rather proud of how silly it is, so I'm interested to see what everyone thinks. Any and all responses are welcome!
EDIT:I'm aware that the fan isn't the greatest, I just needed a method to get air moving through the box. I'm not saying this is an excellent, permanent fix for anything, but it's served my purposes well for the time being.
对于那些不想下载PDF: Basically, if you don't have a need for both hard drive bays in the Dude Edition router, you can repurpose one of the SATA cables provided in the box. You can use the black and red wire pair from the connector that goes into the board, and solder that onto some general purpose breadboard jumper cables. The SATA standard pinout provides 5V on red, and GND on black, which happens to be exactly what a generic small computer fan would need. The material list is as so: